"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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