Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize