Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
