I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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