i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
