found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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