If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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