My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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