How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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