i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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