Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
