It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just invented taco cereal.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
