I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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