Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You took a bar mat shot.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
