no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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