Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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