So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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