Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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