i don't like sucking hair
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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