I'm passing your future prison.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
