I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
