My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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