Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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