it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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