bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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