Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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