forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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