some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
