The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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