I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
