im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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