Well douche your snatch and let's go!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
