I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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