Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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