If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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