its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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