I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
