theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
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Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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