This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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