You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i think my cat just said my name.
did i just pee glitter
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
