And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
