I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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