who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
