i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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