I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
