Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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