we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
