we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
