And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
