Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
