You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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