cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
