the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
