My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
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The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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