What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
