I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
