I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Welp...herpes.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
