I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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